Balancing Act

I have to say that getting older brings many different changes with it.  I have been working diligently on looking well to the way I speak, so I won't disappoint myself by casting a negative shadow on the forty-something years the Lord has graciously allowed me to live.  However, my gray hair and wrinkles may have increased over the years, but my coordination and balance have not.  I can trip over a carpet thread in my house and I have a few not-so-pleasant memories of falling in public over the years that I will save for another blog entry.  The balance I'm really focusing on is one that you wouldn't necessarily recognize unless you know me well enough to know how my personality is wired.  It's sort of like trying to reconcile those deep secrets the Holy Spirit whispers to my heart with the sometimes bland and colorless reality of what I see and feel around and in me.  I'm realizing that striving toward balance in my life is a journey.  Too often, I get side-tracked off of the main road of that journey, set up camp, and waste time trying to figure out why I can't seem to make the progress I want to make.   For some reason, I have erroneously thought that certain characteristics would just somehow become evident in my life when I reached a certain age.  Or that maturity would bring with it the ability to journey through difficulties more quickly and successfully than when I was younger.   Or that many of the dreams and possibilities I imagined in my youth would certainly have sprouted distance-enduring legs and be running ahead of me to become my reality by the time I reached my forties. This has not been how my life has unfolded exactly.  Many aspects of my life have turned out better than I had imagined, and I am intensely grateful to a merciful God, Who has filled in so many gaps that my humanity has left.  As I grow older, I am beginning to possess a more fine-tuned awareness of the choices I make that either reinforce or undermine my progress toward changing my behavior, which in turn, can change my future.  Choices that reinforce my progress may be painful for a bit, but eventually they lead me to achieve a healthier balance in many areas of my life.  Many people seek to eat healthier and exercise more right after a new year turns over on the calendar.  While that's something that is definitely a goal for me this year, I read something the other day during my devotional time that has not left me.  In fact, it keeps resurfacing in my life.  This is what I read:  "Find a balance between contentment and ambition."  The Apostle Paul says in Philippians 4:11, "I have learned how to be content (satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or disquieted) in whatever state I am."  Every time I have ever read this, I've related it to a material/financial contentment.  Certainly, contentment and discontentment can transcend many areas of our lives and finances would be one of them.  But, my paradigm has undergone such a monumental shift over the past several years that I now read that in a different context.  I believe that Paul had huge ambitions for his life.  I wonder how much his paradigm changed from the time of his conversion to when he penned Philippians 4:11? When I read about his life, I realize he didn't lead a country-club lifestyle.  It was not comfortable by any stretch of the imagination.  So, his contentment had to have been worked out by the Holy Spirit in him. I believe it's probable that his initial ambition for his life didn't line up with the actual circumstances he experienced at that time.  But, through it all, something supernatural took place on the inside of him--that's the only explanation for his profession of contentment.  Somehow, the Holy Spirit was able to help Paul grow and mature and boldly confess that he had finally found and grabbed hold of that coveted thing called contentment.  I really would rather not experience the same experiences Paul had to go through to work contentment into his life (I'm being painfully honest and don’t worry--God knew that about me before I even typed it).  However, I really do want to learn to strike that balance and learn to be content without losing the ambitious dreams God has placed in my heart.  Pardon the expression, but I don't want to be the dead horse that can't be beaten into action.  Nor do I particularly wish to be the stallion who has to be constantly reined in by someone who lives in the balance Paul talks about.  I want to realize that He, and He alone, is sovereign and can lead my life along whichever course He chooses without me behaving like a brat because His timing doesn't fall in line with my timing.  I want to walk that out for the sake of my children, and their children, and their children's children.  So much rests on my ability to take a deep, cleansing spiritual breath and just trust--trust Him Who knows everything about me and fashioned me with unfathomable, loving attention to each and every detail I see each time I look in a mirror.  So this year, I will find ways to walk in that delicate balance.  And when I lose my balance and am tempted to detour off of my journey, I can always look to what Paul went through and be thankful that my road was chosen for me by the Lover of my soul. After all,  He knows that I really dislike camping.