MEN-OH-PAUSE

Please let me apologize right now if anybody reading this is offended by the topic of this blog entry.  It's never my intention to offend anyone, or to be in appropriate in any way.  So, before you read any further, if you are one who tends to be embarrassed by talking about the changing seasons of a woman's life, you may want to stop reading.  It's been a very long time since I've written, and we all know that in a woman's life, a whole lot can happen in a short amount of time, let alone a long stretch of months.  I guess consistency isn't one of my strengths when it comes to blogging and writing.  It seems lately, I can't seem to find many of what I would consider my strengths.  However, my weaknesses are everywhere I look.  They're all over the place.  In fact, I'm tripping over them and can't get any normal traction going in my daily routines.  They're everywhere, like toddlers hanging onto my legs as I try to simply walk through my days.  Every woman knows that, as we approach mid-life, we will be required to navigate some unfamiliar territory.  That territory is lovingly, and often sarcastically referred to as menopause.  Men-oh-pause. What an interesting word.  The first and most hilariously interesting thing that strikes me is the word "men" in menopause.  I don't know about you, but my man is just about as clueless as I am when it comes to this frighteningly real slip and slide of my emotions right now.  The real ironic thing is that I live with four men.  None of them have a clue about the hormonal and emotional havoc that we women experience.  They think they do because they live with a woman, but we all know it's not the same.  I'll admit that for years, a common familiar phrase that would come out of my mouth was, "No uterus, no opinion."  I know--I'm a little embarrassed about it, but I really don't believe that, without a uterus, a male member of my family can truly understand my NEED for dark chocolate or ice cream at those times that I desperately must have it.  Those are not the times that I need to hear, "Are you sure you want to eat that? It's a whole lot of calories."  Nor can they understand my need once in a while to stay in my pajamas and watch Lifetime movies for most of the day.  Those are not the times that I need to hear, "Mom, aren't you going to get up and do anything today?"  No uterus, no opinion.  Enough said.  The second fun fact about this word is that there is an "oh" right in the middle.  (I realize that I'm exercising my creative liberty in putting my own "h" in a word that technically doesn't contain one.  But, it works phonetically, so I'll ask you to please just go with it.) I guess that's the word my family and I both think at times as I can sometimes spiral off into unpredictable fits of expressing myself.  They look at me as if I have three heads and I can almost hear what they are thinking.  "Oh man, she's really gone off the deep end now!"  "Oh, I didn't see that coming!" Or, my personal favorite, "Oh, there she goes again...just being a girl!"  This sneaky little "oh" also finds its way into my own thoughts.  I find myself frequently thinking, "Oh, good grief, can somebody turn down the air?!?"  The last part of this word is the word "pause".  I feel like the word pause is the part of this whole season that has caught me the most off guard. In a very real way, this season of pre-menopause has indeed pushed a pause button deep within me. Over the last several days, I have sensed the Lord quietly speaking to me about taking advantage of this pause.  He's urging me to use this paused time in my life to find Him in it.  To search His Words for my answers and remedies and to call my body to order.  When I tend to feel very overwhelmed by everything that's changing inside, He whispers to me, "Allison, I formed your inward parts and covered you in your mother's womb.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made."(Psalm 139:13-14)  When I wonder what my purpose is now in this season of transition, He says, "You, sweet girl, are My workmanship, created in Me for good works, which My Father prepared beforehand that you should walk in them."(Ephesians 2:10)  And when I feel paralyzed by fear of the unknown and traversing unfamiliar territory, He reminds me, "I have not given you a spirit of fear, but one of power, of love, and a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7)  I'm choosing to decide to overcome this season of change, and not to be overcome by it.  One day at a time.  Selah. Pause, and quietly think of that.  How ironic that He's calling me to PAUSE and quietly think on His Word.  He knows that the only true, long-lasting remedy is His Word.  His Word will usher me from one seasonal shift of my life right into the next.  Gracefully. Fearlessly. Victoriously. And, along the way, he give me little kisses of encouragement.  Yesterday, one came from my son, Logan, who sweetly brought me a bouquet of flowers and a dark chocolate Hershey's candy bar.  As he hugged me, he whispered in my ear, "Thank you for being my mom--I'm so glad I was born into this family.  I love you."  Those words may not be written in the Bible, but I'm convinced those words come from Him as well.

Balancing Act

I have to say that getting older brings many different changes with it.  I have been working diligently on looking well to the way I speak, so I won't disappoint myself by casting a negative shadow on the forty-something years the Lord has graciously allowed me to live.  However, my gray hair and wrinkles may have increased over the years, but my coordination and balance have not.  I can trip over a carpet thread in my house and I have a few not-so-pleasant memories of falling in public over the years that I will save for another blog entry.  The balance I'm really focusing on is one that you wouldn't necessarily recognize unless you know me well enough to know how my personality is wired.  It's sort of like trying to reconcile those deep secrets the Holy Spirit whispers to my heart with the sometimes bland and colorless reality of what I see and feel around and in me.  I'm realizing that striving toward balance in my life is a journey.  Too often, I get side-tracked off of the main road of that journey, set up camp, and waste time trying to figure out why I can't seem to make the progress I want to make.   For some reason, I have erroneously thought that certain characteristics would just somehow become evident in my life when I reached a certain age.  Or that maturity would bring with it the ability to journey through difficulties more quickly and successfully than when I was younger.   Or that many of the dreams and possibilities I imagined in my youth would certainly have sprouted distance-enduring legs and be running ahead of me to become my reality by the time I reached my forties. This has not been how my life has unfolded exactly.  Many aspects of my life have turned out better than I had imagined, and I am intensely grateful to a merciful God, Who has filled in so many gaps that my humanity has left.  As I grow older, I am beginning to possess a more fine-tuned awareness of the choices I make that either reinforce or undermine my progress toward changing my behavior, which in turn, can change my future.  Choices that reinforce my progress may be painful for a bit, but eventually they lead me to achieve a healthier balance in many areas of my life.  Many people seek to eat healthier and exercise more right after a new year turns over on the calendar.  While that's something that is definitely a goal for me this year, I read something the other day during my devotional time that has not left me.  In fact, it keeps resurfacing in my life.  This is what I read:  "Find a balance between contentment and ambition."  The Apostle Paul says in Philippians 4:11, "I have learned how to be content (satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or disquieted) in whatever state I am."  Every time I have ever read this, I've related it to a material/financial contentment.  Certainly, contentment and discontentment can transcend many areas of our lives and finances would be one of them.  But, my paradigm has undergone such a monumental shift over the past several years that I now read that in a different context.  I believe that Paul had huge ambitions for his life.  I wonder how much his paradigm changed from the time of his conversion to when he penned Philippians 4:11? When I read about his life, I realize he didn't lead a country-club lifestyle.  It was not comfortable by any stretch of the imagination.  So, his contentment had to have been worked out by the Holy Spirit in him. I believe it's probable that his initial ambition for his life didn't line up with the actual circumstances he experienced at that time.  But, through it all, something supernatural took place on the inside of him--that's the only explanation for his profession of contentment.  Somehow, the Holy Spirit was able to help Paul grow and mature and boldly confess that he had finally found and grabbed hold of that coveted thing called contentment.  I really would rather not experience the same experiences Paul had to go through to work contentment into his life (I'm being painfully honest and don’t worry--God knew that about me before I even typed it).  However, I really do want to learn to strike that balance and learn to be content without losing the ambitious dreams God has placed in my heart.  Pardon the expression, but I don't want to be the dead horse that can't be beaten into action.  Nor do I particularly wish to be the stallion who has to be constantly reined in by someone who lives in the balance Paul talks about.  I want to realize that He, and He alone, is sovereign and can lead my life along whichever course He chooses without me behaving like a brat because His timing doesn't fall in line with my timing.  I want to walk that out for the sake of my children, and their children, and their children's children.  So much rests on my ability to take a deep, cleansing spiritual breath and just trust--trust Him Who knows everything about me and fashioned me with unfathomable, loving attention to each and every detail I see each time I look in a mirror.  So this year, I will find ways to walk in that delicate balance.  And when I lose my balance and am tempted to detour off of my journey, I can always look to what Paul went through and be thankful that my road was chosen for me by the Lover of my soul. After all,  He knows that I really dislike camping.